Notes from The Institute For Educators August 2002

Dear Friends from the Institute for Educators,

Following are my notes from our course together. Whew! :>) I am happy to share them with you!

My sharing these notes with you meets my need for contributing to the sharing of NVC principles. I have learned so much about communicating since learning about these principles, and it is the first time, in a long time, that I have hope for peace in our hearts and in our global community.

If any of you have additional notes from sessions I didn't attend, or if you have anything you would like to share from your study of NVC, would you send it to me so I can add it to this page? I'd love for this to be a way for us to continue supporting eachother's growth. A few weeks ago I attended an NVC 'Anger' one-day workshop and I'll be adding those notes in a few days.

My sincerest thanks to our trainers and the assistants who met my needs for education and clarity and fun!

Hugs to all of you!

Linda the transfer over to this website, I lost the proper spacing in places...hope it's still clear. :>)

Notes from the
Institute for Educators

10-12 Registration & Settling In
12-1 Lunch Break
1-5:45 First Sessions w/ Break
5:45-7 Dinner Break
7-9 Evening Session

Saturday Morning Session

Jillian-broaden the definition of teacher to include children, cafeteria people...everybody.

1) launching the day - theme for the day
2) go into a council - check in
3) journaling
4) walk and talk - hairballing...getting it all out...share time. First one person talks freely, the other person doesn't give empathy. After 5-10 minutes, the person reflects with empathy. Then switch.
5) shared learning..share something important with the group.
6) feedback - express from own self.
7) beginner's of forgetting...see each other the moment...acknowledge all the wonder and mystery of human individuality.
8) request box.
9) safety - vulnerability, confidentiality...each person as they speak makes the request for confidentiality; desire for respectful communication;

The Comfy Cozy Empathy needs for to a PS with heart on name tag.

Jillian - Council....talking circle.....article on page 115 in handbook.
talking object - stick with embroidery thread;
inclusion - everybody can speak or choose not to...even if you don't speak, the people are still 'listening' to their silence;
share briefly from the heart what's most 'alive' for you in the moment;
listening in council - we are witnesses turning into our own feelings....not rehearsing....go for spontaneity.

Introducing Exercise...... postcards spread around on the floor
choose one of John's postcards that 'speaks' to you;
Use this card to introduce yourself...including your intention for being here;
2nd round - tell of your 'history' with NVC; stick goes around 2x.
If you don't want to speak the 1st time you can the 2nd time.
Please be aware of the time....attn. to keeping speaking 'alive';
Person with the object is the speaker...others are verbal response;

Saturday Afternoon Sessions:

Sylvia's review of NVC (listing from the group...not in any order....and the list isn't in columns because it's too hard to get it on the website in 2 lists :>) )

Natural (giraffe)
Habitual (jackal)

G - accepting J - critical G - responsive
J - reacting
G - empathetic
J - judgment G - giving
J - punitive G - truthful
J - right/wrong G - compassionate
J - power/control G - self-full
J - domineering G - open
J - it's about you G - trusting
J - shame/blame G - present
J - vicious G - generous
J -protective G - curious
J - praising G - sharing
J - comparing G - taking time
J - assuming G - vulnerable
J - guilty G - sharing power
J - categorizing G - kind
J - stereotyping G - graciousness
J - mind chatter G -peaceful
J - stereotyping G - flexible
J - strategizing G - playful
J - humiliating G - intimate
J - analyzing G - allowing
J - rejecting G - connecting
J - projecting G - inviting
J - testing G - choosing
J - blocking G - listening
J - teasing G - free-willing
J - avoiding G - creative
J - condemning G - receptive
J - sarcasm G - participating
J - ignoring G - risk-taker
J - should
G - being grateful
J - punishing G - respectful

G - giving as a gift
J - have to/should/must
G - feelings/needs
J - perceptions
G - in the moment
J - demands G - requests
J - criticisms/labels/boxing people in
G - flow/connection

Language can hinder my connection to myself and to others.

4 Steps

Expressing with Honesty
'When I'....observation
I feel....
Because I need.....
Now I would like......

Receiving with Empathy
When you....
Do you feel.....?
Because you need....?
Now would you like....?

Step 1 - Observation....not evaluation
"When I heard ____in a tone I was uncomfortable with ....."
"When you..............."
(If use the words 'like' or 'that' it is a judgment)

Step 2 - Feelings
"I felt ........."
"Do you feel......." (tuning in....guessing here)

Step 3 - Universal Needs
"Because I have a need for ........"
"Because you want.........." (give some options....)
(Need is not connected to a specific person ...that is a strategy)

Step 4 - Request.....'do-able step in the moment'!!
"Would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say?"
"Is there something else you want to say about that...."

In Appreciation......observation, feeling, what needs were met
With Regret......observation, feelings, what needs weren't met, request.....

A few principles from Owen Harrison's 'Open Space Technology' that we would like to suggest for the Break-out Sessions:

1) whoever shows up - perfect #;
2) time - perfect time;
3) whatever happens - perfect thing to happen;
4) when it's over -it's over;
Feel free to move from one session to another; see yourself as a bee going from flower to flower;

Two person Exercise with John

Note cards made up from conversations with 8th grade girls....hard to hear messages from teachers, family, etc.

cover - hard to hear message;
back - coaching on how to handle it;
inside - 2 ways you might empathize;

Remember -

1) when someone says something 'off the wall'......get clarity.....'Are you referring to...."...... guess their observation to get clear.

2) if you get a laundry list of concerns......"Are you feeling exasperated because you have a lot of things you would like to talk about?"

End of the Day....Share the "A HA!" of the day with person with similar colored eyes. would you apply this exercise in a learning environment you're in?


9:00-10:15 Launching the Day & Council
For what would you like to cultivate more self-empathy in your life?
Reminder of new requests
10:15-10:30 Morning Break
10:30-12 The Giving Game — Premises
12-2 Lunch Break
2-3:00 First Afternoon Session
Button Pushing Exercise — Self-Empathy
3-3:10 Brief Afternoon Break
3:10-4:30 Second Afternoon Session
Translating Hard to Hear Messages
4:30-5 Third Afternoon Session
Journal Time
5-5:15 Closing the Day
It's Not, It's Not" rap
5:15-7:00 Dinner Break
7:00-9 Shared Learning Sessions

Sunday Morning Session


1) African story about village giving empathy when problems arise.....

2) Question for Council - "For what would you like to cultivate more self empathy in your life?"

Sura - The Giving Game
(See page 2 in workshop binder)

We've had a Domination Culture for 10,000 years...this information gives us empathy for the struggle we're having.

1) belief in scarcity.....not enough resources to go around;
2) set up Authoritarian systems to meet needs by setting up hierarchy/ranking system set up by moralistic judgments....these are the good...these are the bad....these are the smart people...these are the stupid people, etc;
3) moralistic judgments...right/wrong....good/bad;
4) external motivation...praises with gold stars, $$ raises and punishing;
5) no choice....only demands;
6) punishment this or else;

(See page 2 in workshop binder)

The literacy rate was higher prior to 1832
Read Tomorrow's Children by Riane Eisler and Dumbing Us Down by John Gatto.

Compulsory Education vs.Life-Serving Education

C - Meets my needs
L - Meets everyone's needs

C - Force
L - Cooperation

C - Imitation
L - Life Serving

C - Authoritarian
L - Autonomy and Interdependence

C - Moralistic Judgments
L - Needs-based Evaluations

C - Motivation of rewards and punishment
L - Motivation of intrinsic rewards

C - No Choice
L - Choice

C - Punishment - Force
L - Force used only to protect

Sura learned early on in kindergarten to stop doing whatever she's doing when the teacher talks, do what the teacher says, do it the 1st time...cheerfully, do what the teacher told you and do it how she said to do it, what's wanted is right answers, listen carefully to know what the teacher wants to hear back, personal needs don't matter,
received A's..praise, gold stars and eventually financial rewards, Dean's list at Stanford....ended up dumbed down, numbed down and depressed. Her curiosity deadened until started exploring Krishnamurti. However, when push came to shove she used domination in the classroom. Would swing back and forth between domination and permissive. Then she got these tools!

The focus of this Institute is to support the teachers.
She started with whole school trainings...asking schools if they want to take on a one year pilot program....structural support to become giraffe schools. She found their was a resistance to commitment..$ and time concerns.

So 1) didn't see pilot program requests but had requests from individual teachers...thus this Institute.
2) developed a in the form of a book. Collected activities
and games....Green section in our binder.

Giving Game
Eventually developed the Giving Game. The motivation was to support people connecting with their compassionate nature, have less conflict and more fun!

Five premises on page 8......
discussion about the Giving Game with invitation from Sura for feedback.

Inner circle made up of people in the classrooms....they share their needs and others witness;
Alternative to talking stick: put both hands on the ground when want to speak and all put hands on the ground to show they've heard;
What came up:
question came up re: protective use of force;
created the 'parking lot' where people write out what they want more info on;
frustration re: student handbooks;
frustration parents and staff wanting a counselor to 'fix the kids';
enormous quantity of students seen every week...;
frustration with state/schools only wanting to see the #' interest in
personal assessments;

Sunday Afternoon Sessions

1) Jackal Dance: circle and make up a 'jackal' dance and others join in if they also have that jackal.

2) Break up into groups and do the Button-Pushing Exercise - Write on a 3x5 card some jackal things that trigger you...on the back write the feelings and the needs

John- Continue working with hard-to-hear messages
We're free to choose how we listen to the world:
1) jackal ears facing outward - "it's your fault"
2) jackal ears facing inward - "it's my fault"
3) giraffe ears facing outward - "judgment, criticism, blame for others vanish;
4) giraffe ears facing inward - "judgment, criticism, blame for self vanishes;

Fred - Self Empathy practice

1) sometimes in defining 'needs', it's easier to say "I need people to connect " rather than just saying "I need connection". Makes it more personal sometimes.
2) demonstration.....
†feeling sad?"....slump
†feeling worried?" .....slump
†feeling helpless?".....slump
†feeling hopeless?".....slump
Feel the feeling....don't just add them all on top of each other.
Acknowledging the needs/wants/hopes/wishes right after the feeling is a 'lift up'...
because you wish people would talk to you with more respect?....."

3) Farmer in the Dell....."the feeling takes a wish........the wish can stand along......."

End of the day .....journal..."What was the biggest 'aha' for me today?"

Sunday Evening Break-out Session with Fred

Like a Walk and Talk:
Group 1 - Listeners
Group 2- Speakers
take turns sharing ....what am I feeling?...what am I needing?...stay in touch with what's truly alive for you in that moment; speak for 3 minutes...notice what comes up...judgments, etc. Listener says nothing unless the speaker strays off from feelings and needs; if the speaker strays....ask what they are feeling and needing;
Then take a 30 second silence;
Listeners find a new partner;
With new partner take 30 seconds and then speaker speaks while new listener listens.
After the listeners have traveled to all....switch roles.
Notice by the end of the 4th time doing this how it's easier to articulate.
Notice how share different things with different people.


The Monday Schedule
'Finding One's Voice'

9-10 Launching the Day & Council
Naming an Enemy—
What do they say or do that makes them an enemy in your mind?
10-10:15 Experiential Play
Robots & Controllers
10:15-10:30 Morning Break
10:30-12 The Giving Game Premises
12-2 Lunch Break
2-3:30 First Afternoon Session
Artistic Activity: Making the Enemy Visible
3:30-3:45 Brief Afternoon Break
3:45-4 Second Afternoon Session
Paired Share—Respected Teacher
4-5 Third Afternoon Session
Requests—A Refresher Piece
Subverting the Habits Of Enemy-Imaging
5-5:15 Closing the Day
5:15-7:00 Dinner Break
7:00-9 Shared Learning Sessions
Holley - Self Empathy - Road map and Under the Hat

Monday Afternoon Sessions

1) Modeling "How to Live the Process";
2) See more subtle conversation examples;
3) Role playing...if see children in conflict;
4) School in Sweden and how NVC is used in schools;
5) Warming up process;
6) How to respond when I overhear conversations that are hard to hear;
7) First experiences in how they approached schools;
8) Practice with more jackals present;

John - used to see something wrong and think...'if they life would be ok again.'. We can translate the negative behavior back to life by identifying feelings and needs....we can then find our voice.

Jean - practice with the 'enemy'.
Two people sitting across from each other.
One person writes two names on two different is the name of an 'enemy' and one is the name of a respected spiritual teacher.
Place those stickies on the right and left shoulder of the person facing you.
Speak to that person....who's being 'the enemy' as if they were standing there with the spiritual teacher right next to them.

Holley - pitfalls of listening...taking the attention away from the speaker..someone sounding off ...... my needs to offer advice come up..... so I give myself self-empathy before speaking.

Evening Session

Holley- Self Empathy - Road map and Under the Hat

Ask self - "am I having fun?" that's the indicator if there's a jackal present.
When guessing a feeling - end with an intonation of a '?'.
i.e. "is that right?" OR "is it something like that?"
This respects their autonomy.
Vary your language! People pull back when we continually use familiar phrases.

Road Map-

Direct Road...if we guess the feeling and wish or need.

'Wishes' is used more often with children because it's more 'kid-friendly' than 'need'.
i.e. "Do you wish everybody would get along?"
We can all have wishes. They don't have to come true.
Nothing to do with "you have to grant me my wish".
i.e. Wish..... "That everybody had enough to eat"
Response......"so you wish that everybody had a magic wand......"
It's a way of getting to know what I value.

If we would get _____then, look at what need would be met....'
would you like to brainstorm about what we can do right here, right now?"

Wishes celebrate our aliveness.

When we dream, we start to find strategies.

On the Road map.....we will probably end up taking some detours.

/ /
/ /
__________/ /_____________
EVENT ______________________NEEDS


1) detour might be figuring out exactly what the feelings are.......
NO loitering in the hammock of figuring out the feelings....
remember how people get weighed down when too many feelings
are identified without finding the need!

2) another detour 'guessing the 'why'! This will take the person off into
'whyly land'...."are you sad because your dog ate your homework?
"and you were really hoping that homework would be turned in in one piece?"

Keep them on track with identifying the NEEDS.


When we identify the feelings and needs....then the requests are divided into two areas: 1) does that person want feedback on what was heard?
2) does that person want help finding a solution?

Kids first talk about expressing feelings and needs.....Adults first need to be able to give self empathy.

Under the Hat - Silent Self Talk
All roads lead to the hat....continue to give self empathy so you can stay present to what is being expressed in the moment

Before responding to what is said:
1st - silent self talk
Observe what you are feeling
Identify what the other person might be feeling
Because I'm needing....
Because you're needing.....


Either feedback or Solutions.....

Step 1 - A (jackal role) reads a jackal statement from B (giraffe role) with vigor;
Step 2 - B puts on the hat and immediately goes through hat steps...
I feel......
I wish......
I need.......
And now I'd like.....
Step 3 - B takes off the hat and offers empathy to A
Step 4 - A responds as inclined....either as jackal or giraffe
Step 5 - B puts the hat back on again if triggered and goes through hat steps.....

Most common children's needs: respect, harmony, friendship, unity.
Kindergartners learn this language easily.
Holley recommends using "I'm sad" rather than "I'm feeling sad"....
Always knock before entering a classroom....acknowledge the on time!
Read sample Giraffe - e- grams....."Dear mom, when you help with my homework, I 'm really glad because I need your help and I'd like you to help me forever".


The Tuesday Schedule
"Practice Practice Practice"

8:55-9 Greeting at the Door
9-9:15 Launching the Day
A Playlet—"The World Is Ready For NVC"
9:15-10:15 Council
Practice—What are you feeling?
Needing? Do you have a request?
10:15-10:30 Morning Break
10:30-12 The Giving Game Premises
12-2 Lunch Break
2-3 First Afternoon Session
Robots, Controllers & Wild Geese
3-3:15 Brief Afternoon Break
3:15-5:15 Second Afternoon Sessions
First Session:
Jean & Jillian - Tag Team, Role Plays, 'Standing in Another's Shoes"
Sylvia - NVC 102
John - Introducing NVC to Adolescents
Other Sessions - Self Empathy
Second Session:
Jean & Jillian - Jackal/Giraffe Ears In/Out
Sylvia - Written Responses to Jackal letters
John - The Dance Floor
5:15-5:30 Closing the Day
5:30-7:00 Dinner Break
7:00-9 Shared Learning Sessions
Games and Practice Groups ideas

Tuesday Morning Session

read 3 pieces and 3 people shared reflections.

Naming the Enemy...."What does he or she, say or do, that makes him or her an enemy in your mind?" What's in the present or from the past?

Application...beginning each day in council in the classroom so everyone is heard; children then know they can 'call a council' if something comes up;

Asked if people would be willing to honor the time needed to say what needs were being met. By doing this, the 'shoulds' get cleared out and the choices become apparent.

Marilyn's suggestion - children all in a line, stand according to whether want to 'go along' or not and then share the need that is being met by their decision.

Long discussion working out people sharing what they're offering on the 'tools table'.

Council with each identifying what's ALIVE in the moment and expressing it in observations, feelings, needs and requests.

Sura and Marianne - talk about school in Sweden;

Premises - we can choose how we think, listen, talk, act;
Sources of conflict are around autonomy;
Clarify for middle school children what they do/don't have choice in;
**ask students to sit with their choice to see how it'll affect the others;
Marianne sharing experiences from Sweden.

Robots and Wild Geese Game

Tuesday Afternoon Session

John - 'Giraffe' with 8th grade girls

1) Went into class of 8th grade girls and told them he would be coming into the class to "share some skills he thinks would be useful in their lives. In preparation for that, h asked them to write out hard-to-hear messages.

2) Then the next day he read the hard-to-hear messages and asked the girls if they saw in them:
assuming, labeling, blaming, comparing, denying choice, being right, judging, sarcasm, coercing;

They identified the 'demands' and 'shoulds'.
He told them how he wanted to talk with them about their having more freedom....wanted to give them more freedom when adults tell them what to do.

(Some of the statements were: 'your hair is ugly', 'clean up your room now', etc.)

3) Very important to point out that this is the environment they live in.....spectator or jackal language as opposed to participatory language. Had them sit with that painful language they're living in.

4) I'd like to give you an alternative way you might hear and respond to these messages rather than 'dishing it back' or 'taking it on'.

There is another technology that can give you a tremendous amount of power in your life. With giraffe or participatory language, all of the assuming, labeling, blaming, comparing, denying choice, being right, judging, sarcasm and coercing will vanish. It's not something you 'should''s a choice you'll have.

So how do we hear all of these messages in a different way? We'll work to see our feelings and recognize some of the shared values and needs we all have.

5) John introduces the feelings....
Has the girls choose a feeling from the Mad,Sad, Glad, Scared,etc. list. And sing a 'twinkle twinkle little star' song using the feeling from one of those categories. Sing in alone and the other girls guess what feeling they're singing. (Another option is to play charades with the chosen feeling).

6) Then introduced the Needs list....
Looked then at some of the hard-to-hear messages and picked the Need that might have connected with that hard-to-hear message. Focused on the ones that were most 'alive' for them.

i.e. ...."I wish you'd drop dead".
So.....if he dropped dead, what would you get out of it? ....what else would you get out of it?
"I wouldn't have to see their ugly face anymore.... would have some privacy.

7) there anyone here who doesn't have a need for ....choices?
...... " " fairness?
...... " " friends?
...... " " being seen for who they are?
...... " " fun?

Is there anyone here who would like to have a friend to hang out with and so far you haven't found that person yet?

Find their common needs.

8) Connect the feelings to the needs and not to me behavior of others!!! Nobody can make you sad, glad, etc.

9) "My brother's always hurting people...."
John clarifying...I'm not talking about physical injury. I'm talking about words.
When you think of something as extreme as someone physically damaging your don't believe there's any way that doesn't cause the anger.

?....You think there is a physiological reaction to defend yourself? you have a choice to be angry?


John....then I would want that choice to come as soon as possible. As soon as we cut the cable that someone or something else is 'wrong'.

?....anger comes up and a friend says "you disconnect from your feelings by not expressing your anger"....

John....I'm not interested in persuading or convincing someone to not be angry.
I'm just suggesting that they first connect with the need behind it. ie...for an adult it might be needing respect; for a child it might be needing safety.

Anger is like a 'tent' over the deeper feelings.....hurt, confused, sad, scared, safety.

The 3 basic feelings when needs are not being met : sad, scared, hurt.
'Mad' we leave for dogs with rabies.

The 3 basic feelings when needs are being met: joyful, comfort, safety.

10) Work with the empathy cards with the children's own messages on them. to rooster....Wilbur, you woke me up too early.
rooster to duck.....Henry, are you feeling frustrated because you have a need for silence?
duck....yes, that's correct.

Hear the feelings and the needs behind the message.
Guess the feeling like with twinkle twinkle.....

Practice....we distributed the cards on the floor and went around the room and practiced.

2nd Afternoon Session:
John's Dance Floor
Allows a person to 'walk through' the process.....returning to self empathy as needed.

* a chair, four 8 1/2 x 11 laminated sheets, and a cable or tape separating the inner silent self empathy process and the outer process of communication....all items spread out on the floor in the following pattern.


chair either with actual person or substitute sitting in it

C *Receiving with Empathy How You Are
What's alive in You
Following the Conversation
observations, feelings, needs, requests

D *Clearly expressing How I am
What's alive in Me
Leading the conversation
observations, feelings, needs and requests

cable or tape separating these two sections

B *''Giraffe' moment....Connecting with Myself
a silent inner process
to identify my feelings and needs

A *'Jackal' moment....Judging and Blaming
a silent inner process
might include: being right, comparing, denying responsibility, assuming, moralistic judgments, assigning wrongness.

Situation comes up...i.e. partner gets a dog without discussing it. Partner is either in the chair or a substitute is role-playing the situation.

Step one.....step on to A and acknowledge the inner jackal voices....i.e. "why didn't you tell is already destroying the yard, etc.

Step two....step on to B and identify what I'm feeling about the situation.....shocked or upset....and identify the needs associated with those feelings....i.e. want communication in relationship, etc.

Step three......I have a choice now as to whether I want to step on to C or D.....
and 'do that'....

Step four.....person responds and BOOM....probably end up going back to A again....silent inner process of self-empathy BEFORE responding to the person.

Step five...go through C or D again.....

Step six......Request for a presently do-able action..."Would you be willing to tell me what comes up for you?" OR Would you be willing to tell me what you're hearing me say?"
Note.....might be a situation where one 'Screams in Giraffe".......

Tuesday Evening Session

Games and Practice Groups with Liv and Fred (and others)

1) 'hang-man'..... _ _ _ _ _ = need

1 person picks out a feeling and acts it out. The person on that team who gets it gets to pick a 'hang-man' letter. If team A doesn't get it, then the whole group gets to try.

2) Act out 3 different scenes of a message....showing the observation, feeling & need;

3) Guessing the emotion......Group practice. Helps clarify' faux' and 'real' feelings.
Each person writes an emotion on a sticky note and sticks it on someone else's back without them seeing what you've written.
The person trying to guess what is on their back says: "When I behave like ________...would I be feeling this way?"
And the person they've asked can only say "yes" or "no".
If it's a "no" the person needs to find another person and act out another emotion.
If it is a "yes"...they've guessed it and they say..."I am feeling ______ and I wish ________".

4) Observations -- written on a yellow slip....what a video camera could see or hear;
Feelings - written on a red slip.....similar to a telephone...carrying a message;
Needs - written on a blue slip.....a globe picture...aliveness, belonging, autonomy, survival, contribution, ability;
Requests - written on a green slip...a gift box from Santa Claus

Without telling people the 'code'....hand out one line sentences on different colored pieces of paper. Have people read their slips....and try to identify which of the four categories their sentence is in.

5) toss game: raise hands, look person in the eye, only receive from and toss to the same person. Get a few bean bags going.....practices connecting.

Support group ideas:

1) person with the biggest issue (mother-in-law visit) shares and others all give empathy.

2) sit quietly, share what's present and say if they'd like to work on it or not.

3) "this is so up for me and I'd rank it a 10...I really need help with this".

Misc. Practice group ideas:

1) a new topic every week with focus on that topic. Commitment to a time period.
Starting off with remembering what the purpose is.

2) just start following Lucy Leu's format.

3) enjoy socialness once in a while.

4) start out with a list of all the things we want to work on and rank them. People come with different skills....'Screaming in giraffe"..."saying no"....each week is dedicated to the theme. First hour is training and practice for one hour and then for 1 1/2 hours it's sharing and empathy.

5) have an art night where you use art supplies to draw what would make your day happier. Ask each other what the drawing is about....empathize with the strategy...what do you like about that? what needs would be met?....get down to the requests and have the group help compile the requests.

6) create an atmosphere of quiet - requires an introductory class to get into the practice group. Make 2 pots of tea...introduction...names...familiarity with NVC...feeling check in...who has issues..and facilitator decides who needs to go first.

7) empathy and role playing in diads and triads.

8) meet every week for 2 hours...use the manual...rotate dance cards, sometimes empathy whole group..sometimes diads.

9) video shown at a house and then discussion.

10) Check-in evenings where one person checks in and the person on the left reflects back their feelings and needs and original person goes deeper and continue reflections. This is great practice for the empathizer. Empathizer needs to say when that's all they can 'hold'.

11) one person checks in and 'popcorn' empathy...from anybody or person chooses who they want empathy from.

12) public meeting...minimal fee..donations accepted...facilitator group.
"Give only if you can give out of the joy similar to the joy of a child when feeding a hungry duck".

13) Designated parent or couple's group. i.e....parents with kids ages 10-16.
Do role-playing.

14) Boasting Celebration....applause for both how someone has or hasn't used the technique...relief to get applause for recognizing they didn't do it.

15) Use last 15 minutes of every event for celebration.
The process is about connecting ...not just cleaning up conflict!!

16) Use the giraffe and jackal ears...get 2 sets of each. Practice with ears in and out.
Practice with both positive and negative situations...."i got a 100% on my test" and "I just heard my son has cancer".

17) practice - have each person write down something someone did that they really appreciated. Write the name, specific observation, the feeling and why they felt that way (need that was met). Share these with the group. Helps master the 1st 3 steps.

Liv...every moment we CHOOSE!!! between 'giraffe' and 'jackal'
Ways to look at it:

1) telephone ringing! - observation

G - Hello...what needs are calling? (What messages are the feelings giving us?)

J - Whose fault are those feelings? (Who's to fault)

G - giraffe ears out...or in to hear others' or our own needs.

J -jackal ears out or in to blame others or feel shame, guilt, depression;

G - empathize ~~~ express = Empowerment and Connection

J - fight ~~ flight = Loss of power and Separation

Liv recommends the book Do I have to give up me to be loved by you? by Jordan;

2) Invitation to Dance - Choices we have:

G - Remember we are interdependent;
Respect others and self;

J - Determine who
Deserves what;
Deny Responsibility;

Holley's - Giraffe -e-Grams - Giraffe Appreciation
Think of something someone said or did that you really enjoyed.
Respond with Appreciation by:
"When I heard you say_______and when you said_________
"I felt_________
"I like it when people ___________. I need _____________.
"Was that nice to hear? OR "Did you like hearing that?" OR "Did you like that?"
OR "Was that easy to hear?"
***Adding this request on at the end of giving appreciation keeps it a dialog!

Holley's Other Ideas.....
1) have a chart on the floor with feeling words for people to find what they're feeling;
2) Group gathers in a circle. Think of a feeling. If the bean bag is thrown to you, you act out a feeling and the group guesses what the feeling is and what you might be needing...."Are you needing_____?"
3) Group gathers in a circle and toss the bean bag to each other. When the bean bag is caught, the person makes up a feeling...need connection. "If I'm feeling_____I might be needing_____."

Marilyn's Puppet Show....."Little Bunny Foo Foo.."lots of ideas here for helping young children with expression and distinguishing feelings and needs.


The Wednesday Schedule
9-9:30 Launching the Day
Universal Greeting
9:30-10:15 A Game
"I Have A Friend Who..."Re-entry or NVC categories
10:15-10:30 Morning Break
10:30-11:15 Small Group Work......Key Differentiations
Feelings/Faux Feelings
Power With/Power Over
11:15-12 Small Group Presentations
Flip Chart & Artistic
12-1 Lunch Break
1-1:45 Written Evaluation & Acknowledgments
1:45-2:30 Appreciation Shower
Note about classroom application
Emphasis on the detailed Observation
2:30-2:45 Brief Afternoon Break
2:45-4 Closing Council
Appreciation for Self & Others
"Celebration & Re-Entry"

Wednesday Morning Session

Liv ....playground safety

Teacher: "I need safety here.....go in from the playground and we're going to have a mediation".

3rd person holds the jackal puppet.
Each child is clear they will each get their chance to speak.

1 person wears the giraffe ears and 1 has the giraffe puppet.

The 'jackal' puppet will mediate.

Mediator asks the child to give an observation of what happened.

Child speaks.

Then asks the listener to repeat what that person said.

Ask the original speaker if the listener repeated it correctly.

Ask the original speaker to give their feelings needs.

Ask the listener to repeat the feelings and needs.

Ask the speaker if that is correct.


After both have been 'heard' ask for requests.....

Sometimes in requests you may hear other feelings and needs that need empathy.